TOP 3 REASONS WHY I STOPPED DATING

TOP 3 REASONS WHY I STOPPED DATING

by Christi Luv

1 - The Exhausting Lies

2 - The Annoying Games

3 - The Insulting Objectification

Greetings. You may be an avid dater, or you may not. You may have sought a date with me, or you may not. You may be single, or you may not. But either way, recent events with multiple individuals have compelled me to write this little opinion / experience blog, and share with anyone whom it might interest just why I stopped dating a while ago, and why I'm not convinced that I should resume any time soon. You're welcomed and encouraged to give me your honest feedback! :)

I - The exhausting lies are too tiring and time wasting to sort out and filter through.

II - The annoying games are too frustrating and stressful to play defense against.

III - The insulting objectification is too disrespectful and demoralizing to tolerate.

I - The lies and language that I have to decode when trying to get to know guys is so exhausting and time consuming that I lose interest (and patience) for the whole dating process. Here are just a few examples of such tiring translation toil discoveries:

"I own my own business"  =  "I'm unemployed"

"I'm GREAT with kids"  =  "I have 10 kids and you look like their next sexy baby mama"

"I'm 6 feet"  =  "I'm 5'9 and 1/2"

"I'm a photographer"  =  "I shoot my own collection of porn with any dumb dingbat who'll take her clothes off for me"

"I'm a rapper"  =  "I'm a delusional wannabe who never had a strong positive male role model in my life, growing up as a child"

"I'm mature"  =  "I'm a dirty child molesty pervert, old enough to be your daddy, with 3 ex-wives who all hate me with a passionate venom that would scare Hitler"

"She cheated on me because I work hard"  =  "She cheated on me because I ignored the crap out of her and I would like the opportunity to ignore the crap out of you too"

"Oh awesome! I'm saving myself for marriage too!"  =  "I started saving myself for marriage 5 seconds ago, when you told me you were saving yourself for marriage, but really I'm gonna try my damndest to get you to go as far as possible in the opposite direction of chastity"

"I don't like girls who need attention"  =  "I don't like being in a relationship"

"I don't have facebook"  =  "I don't want you to know who I really am or see that I may still be in a relationship with someone else, while I'm hitting on you..."

"How bout you come over to my place?"  =  "How bout I rape you?" or "I'm a serial killer"

"I work from home"  =  "My mom still does my laundry"

"I'm a business traveler"  =  "I'm a settled married man with 3 clueless kids and a clinically depressed wife and I was hoping you'd be one of my young pretty dumb whores in this city"

"Meet me where I live"  =  "I don't have a ride and I plan to charm you into becoming one of my various female chauffeurs..."

"I like younger women"  =  "I like clueless objects that I can control" and "I'm a very small man inside, yes, younger men are braver than I am"

"Drama follows me wherever I go"  =  "I keep pursuing the wrong people"

"I, I, I, I, I"  =  "I'm a chronic narcissist, so there's no room in my world for anyone but meeeeeeeeee"

"I saw this girl do this thing that wasn't nice or got her in trouble..."  =  "Please don't do that-- Oh and I kinda suck at direct communication, cause I coulda just said that, and that woulda been an enlightening conversation that would have deepened and developed our relationship, but instead I had to passively aggressively give you this 3rd person story for you to pick up the subtle hints on, which is a lot more work than anyone should feel they have to do in a friendship or romance... See how many minutes of our lives this type of communication just wasted?"

"Everyone's a pervert, so stop looking for good people..."  =  "I'm the biggest pervert in the world, but I'm insecure about it, because I know it's f*d up, so I have to rationalize and justify it, by convincing you, me and everyone else that everyone's a sick perverted f* like me, which is absolutely NOT true, but it makes me feel better about my crusty self, to force my pervert ideology onto you"

"Damn you're gorgeous!"  =  "Damn I wanna f* you!!!"

"I LOVE your innocence"  =  "I would LOVE to destroy your innocence"

"Girls are too complicated"  =  "Relationships are too hard"

"I own 3 vacation houses"  =  "I will pay you for sex"

"I'd love to be your sugar daddy"  =  "I will pay you for sex"

"I want to spoil you"  =  "I will pay you for sex"

"The ladies love me"  =  "I'm a whore" or "I want you to think I'm a whore"

"Casual sex is healthy"  =  "I'm still definitely a whore"

"I use to be a player"  =  "I use to be a whore, but now I'm getting old and I need a wife, so I won't die alone. So can I please pour all my gross old ugly baggage onto a pretty, sweet, young thang like you now?"

"I want a girl who can take care of herself"  =  "I want a girl who can take care of me"

"I want a woman who stays busy"  =  "I don't really want a relationship, I just want a shallow, superficial business arrangement that involves a lot of physical connection and very little emotional connection, but I don't want her to notice that that's all it is, to avoid the risk of her cutting me loose at any given moment, when she actually finds something real with another guy"

"I like it when a woman chases me instead"  =  "I'm gay"

"I do a lot of computer work"  =  "I'm a gaming fanatic"

"I don't know why nobody likes me"  =  "I don't know how to fix my painfully annoying (or scary) personality"

"I look like Blair Underwood"  =  "I look like Flava Flav"

"I look like Michael Ealy"  =  "I look like Rihanna"

"I look like Zac Efron"  =  "I look like Jonah Hill"

"I look like Taylor Lautner"  =  "I look like Megan Fox"

"I look like Mario Lopez"  =  "I look like George Lopez"

"I look like Bruce Lee"  =  "I look like that naked Asian guy from The Hangover movies and Community"

"I'll NEVER leave you hangin"  =  "I'll ALWAYS leave you hangin"

And the list goes on and on till the break of dawn... It starts off entertaining, but then it just becomes draining. And as a famous viral video star once said, "Aint nobody got time for that!"

II - Now lets talk about the annoying games:

A) The Chasing Game

B) The Dating Game

C) The Claiming Game

The Chasing Game {(A) Game #1} is when the guy tries to manipulate a girl into dating him (or dating him again), instead of actually listening to her wants, needs or comfort preferences. So instead of molding his game to fit her, he tries to mold her to fit his game. BIG mistake. Many guys do this. There are 3 levels of it.

Level 1 - The Fake Connection

Level 2 - The Sales Pitch

Level 3 - The New Girl

1st - The guy pretends to connect with the girl on things that interest or matter to her, but he doesn't really care about these things or have serious interest in them. It's all just a blind, calculated tactic to trick her into thinking they share a connection.

2nd - The guy blindly pitches himself to the girl without really hearing or understanding her objection, and without truly understanding the objection, you can't effectively overcome it. So instead of hearing her problem and looking for a way to solve it (or wait it out), he just tries to blindly bash her over the head with his thoughts, feelings and desires, and then, just like all the other guys, who failed to realize they weren't the first to try this angle and fall flat, he gets surprised when it doesn't work.

3rd - Finally, the guy brings another female (or a fake non-existent female) into the equation, thinking the grass is always greener, and since women are known for their jealousy, and people are known for their superficiality (meaning the shallowness of not seeing, liking or fully appreciating someone until you see that someone else wants them), he tries to manipulate the girl that he REALLY wants into thinking that he's dating somebody else, who is usually either made up, OR an easy girl who's always been available to him, who he doesn't really want that badly, but might settle for if he can't get the girl he really wants. 

NOTE: But this tactic only works on smart girls AFTER they've gotten to know you, spent time with you, been romanced by you, and have decided, for sure, that they actually want and like you like that. A smart girl is NOT going to like you more just for being wanted by another woman, when she hasn't even decided that she trusts you enough to take you seriously like that for herself, or she simply hasn't let you all the way inside her heart yet. A smart girl has to know who you are, connect with you, and take you seriously, before she can be truly possessive over you. You have to build a relationship of some kind for that to happen. There must be an emotional bond first. A history with each other. Otherwise, she'll just cast you off into the friend zone for an eternity, assuming you were never seriously interested in getting to know her, as a long term romantic prospect. She certainly won't like you for acting like a prick to her, under ANY circumstances. If anything she'll hold your rude behavior and deceptive acts against you. And it's never good to lose the respect or trust of a smart girl... Cause then it's hard to win her back.

So The Chasing Game = FAIL.

Then there's The Dating Game {(B) Game #2}. This is when the guy actually gets the girl on a date with him, be it an exclusive date, or (usually) unexclusive date, just to get to know each other. This is when the guy tries to manipulate the girl into either being exclusive with him, or sleeping with him, or both, by acting like someone he's not, or by molding himself to fit her likes, or both, instead of just experiencing the dating process naturally, and getting to know each other honestly. So instead of seeing if they click mutually, he tries to force the click and fool her into thinking they're a perfect match-- which is both dishonest, dangerous, and a big waste of everybody's time-- if you're not really a good match for each other.

Level 1 - The Fake Wealth

Level 2 - The Clone Likes

Level 3 - The Hidden Emotions

1st - The guy goes broke spending all his cash to impress the girl, which is truly sweet, but he's not honest about it. He pretends this is a normal, common date for him, fooling her into thinking he's always going to romance her like this, then he holds it against her later when she expects something he set her up to expect. Meanwhile she resents his dishonesty and bait-n-switch routine, plus he acts miserable, cause he's broke now lol.

2nd - Then the guy acts like he's deeply connected to all the things the girl likes or cares about, pinpointing specific hot button issues that he knows or suspects that she holds dear-- and he copies and pastes her real personality profile data into his false personality profile template, acting like her twin, to fake compatibility with her. It's admirably ambitious, yes, but disturbingly fraudulent as well.

3rd - Finally, and this is the most common level of the dating game, because unlike the 2 more ambitious positives to reach for, this is a very easy negative to simply fall into. In an effort to seem cool, or to manipulate her into thinking he's a big, emotionless tough guy (which doesn't really exist unless you're a hitman or a sociopath), the guy will hide his emotions and true feelings on matters, from the girl, instead of honestly, directly communicating to her, how he feels, what he thinks, or what he's been through. He deliberately hides his own personal truth from her, likely out of fear that she won't think he's a man, if he opens up to her honestly and directly, which is a real issue with dumb girls and mean girls, but smart girls and nice girls will NOT *EVER* hold your humanity against you, or think less of you for being honest about the depths of your true feelings. We will ALWAYS appreciate and respect you for opening up to us and being honest, sensitive and emotionally intimate with us. ALWAYS. Because we crave emotional intimacy, we thrive on it. Plus that's one big way to get a special place in our overly emotional hearts lol ^_^ We'll even understand you better and be more consciously gentle with your heart-- once you reveal to us that you have one ;) Too many guys are too insecure to expose their hearts, even to nice girls, thus the girl never lets him into her heart. Because trust is a 2-way street. I know, it's a vicious cycle, right? I guess timing really is everything... :)

So The Dating Game = FAIL.

Now we have The Claiming Game {(C) Game #3} - Yes, the Claim Game begins. This is when the guy tries to manipulate the girl into being exclusive with him, usually before he's truly bothered to get to know her. He just sees her (maybe even dates her briefly), but he decides that he wants her aaaaaaaaaall to himself (often when he sees that other guys want her or like her), yet he hasn't bothered to get to know her properly, and in too many cases, he hasn't even taken her out on a date yet, and sometimes they haven't even met face2face yet. But yet he just wants to stuff her in his pocket, before spending any real quality time and/or romance with her, and then he often holds it against her when she refuses to go along with this oppressive, often 1-sided pathology.

Level 1 - The Scary Guilt Story

Level 2 - The Secret Spy Ops

Level 3 - The Insulting Style Offense

1st - The guy tries to scare and guilt the girl into not socializing with any other members of the male species, by telling her a scary or sad (or both) story, about the bad behavior of another girl, and how she either hurt or embarrassed her boyfriend. This is to do a couple things. This is to 1 - Manipulate the girl into thinking of the guy who is telling the story as her boyfriend, before he's actually reached that level of the video game, 2 - Shame the girl into feeling bad about hanging out with her current male friends, so she'll stop it, and 3 - Frighten her away from making any new male friends, even if romance never develops, and the guy and girl have not even solidified an exclusive relationship with each other yet.

2nd - The guy goes into recon mode on the girl, using soft interrogation, like asking deliberate questions in the frame of casual conversation, stalking her online, monitoring her actions, spying on her secretly, and looking for any evidence of her reaching out to others in any social capacity, especially if she looks attractive to guys. It's considered manipulation because he pretends he's not doing it or that he's too busy to call her back or text her, yet he's following her around online, watching her every move, leaving fingerprints of his presence without realizing it. This is undoubtedly the creepiest level of The Claim Game. But there's more...

3rd - The guy styles on the girl. He basically acts like a douche to her, usually without saying why, if he can even put it into words, but also, if he admits to her that he's reacting to her innocent behavior that he saw whilst he was spying on her (or playing her) like a creep, then he would have to then finally come clean and admit to her that he's been spying on her (or playing her), which is actually much worse than what he's acting mad about, and it makes him the bad guy, thus taking away his staggeringly hypocritical right to feign self-righteous angst, and instead, giving HER the right to be pissed at HIM, on at least 2 counts (1 - spying on her and 2 - styling on her + maybe 3 - playing her). 

NOTE: This can mean purposely ignoring her, purposely breaking your word to her, purposely embarrassing her, or purposely lashing out at her via conversation, like a hip-hop reality TV star or athlete, trying to save face in a rap battle / cast reunion show or the big game, instead of being real with her, like a sane, honest, mature individual. It's hard to get a girl to ever consider claiming you or letting you claim her once you break this trust barrier or make her feel unjustifiably disrespected. It's easy to get her to despise you or simply lose interest in you though. So guys, never get to this point. Nice girls will find it hard to forgive, tolerate or like you again after this level of emotional retardation has been reached. Plus, come on, nobody likes to feel insulted or be disrespected, and nice girls, just like nice guys, do NOT deserve that kind of treatment-- EVER.

So The Claiming Game = FAIL.

All these various games stress me out, absorb massive amounts of my emotional energy and deter me from wanting to be bothered with relationships at all. Because the audition process is so draining, complicated and frustrating. Even just for friendship, which is what it usually ends up as. This is only one of the many reasons why I have a love/hate relationship with humanity lol.

III - So now finally we come to: The Insulting Objectification issue. 

First, we had The Exhausting Lies to sort through. Then we had The Annoying Games to battle against. Now we have The Insulting Objectification to escape. I put this one last because even when the lies are filtered through, and the games are paused or squashed, usually the shallow superficiality of trophy wife objectification remains -- and this is where most of my marriage proposals from guys come from.

Many guys have told me they wanted to marry me.

Many guys have told me they loved me.

Many guys have told me they never wanted anyone more than me.

Many guys have told me what every girl wants and needs to hear at least once her life.

Repeatedly.

So why don't I appreciate it?

Because I don't believe them.

I believe THEY believe them, when they say these things to me. But guys lie to themselves more than women do. So if you don't ever bother to get to know me, then you don't ever deserve to own me. I will resent you for trying to keep me all to yourself, like a pet rock, if you don't do the real work of getting to know me and deeply connect with me. Either we're in this together, or you're in this alone, buddy!

But either way-- you are not gonna take me off the throne in my life, just so I can be a footstool in yours.

Either we're a team, or you're a bachelor and I'm a free agent. Either we will conquer the world together, or I will conquer it without you, and eventually with someone else. But either way, I'm not gonna stop being a shooting rock star in my world, to be nothing more than a pet rock in yours. I would rather actually be alone, then to feel alone in a relationship. Because at least when you're single, you can mingle with your admirers and other single friends. But when you're alone, by yourself, in a relationship-- that's the loneliest, most painful, hard-to-explain, diminishing, and self-esteem-shattering feeling in the world. 

And I know this from the personal experience of being there. 

That is quicksand swamp that I will NOT go back to. So I'm flattered by your desire for me, but I will hate you if try to make me your trophy wife. Because I'm not a thing. I'm not a doll. I'm not a rock, plant or pet. I'm not a friggin stray cat. I'm also not your child. I'm a human being. I'm a person. But I'm also your mutual equal-- Your softer, gentler, prettier team-mate lol. And if you don't treat me like that, all the flattery and money in the world won't get me to love you, like you or keep you in my life.

It's exciting when guys compete for my hand. But it's insulting when guys try to bag me like a lifeless prize, like I'm just an expensive sports car, without knowing or caring about my heart, soul or mind. Because chasing me when you know me, is the highest most flattering honor. But just trying to collect me, with no aggressive interest in learning who I am, just because I'm pretty or talented or wanted or I sparkle more than the other girls do, is the most egocentric, shallow, superficial, annoying, exhausting, insulting and pointless excuse for a loving relationship that I have ever encountered.

I was tricked into that by my 1st bf-- I will NOT be duped into it again. I LEARN from MY mistakes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'm so happy and grateful to be wanted. But I'm so tired of almost nobody who claims to want me ever really truly trying to know who the BEEP I am! They want the gift without opening the box! Just because it's wrapped so pretty or cool and fun-looking. But I will not be your gift if you refuse to open me. I will never be ANYONE'S gift-- until they bother to unwrap the paper.

That is my protest. 

That is my lament. 

That is my LITERAL "boy"-cott. 

That is my emotional cause. 

I am passionate about never again being "owned" by anyone who refuses to look under the hood and see what or who is actually inside. Take it or leave it. But that's my stance.

IN SUMMARY:

1 - You don't get to own me until you get to know me.

2 - If you use manipulative games to catch me, your manipulative games will lose me-- And that is too much work to constantly be doing in a romance when relationships are already work as it is. Why you wanna add more work with silly games? And I assure you, if you gotta play games to catch a fish-- you gotta keep playing games to keep that fish-- and that is way too draining and exhausting, as time carries on, especially if either of you actually has a LIFE.

3 - I don't date liars, and I don't even prefer them as friends either. I prefer to keep my distance from liars because I don't want their disease of deception to infect any part of my life. Also, remember this: You cannot hide who you are from somebody and then expect them to like you for who you are, when all you've done your entire time with them is pretend to be someone you're not.

Now look-- I don't know who's a serious gentlemen or just a really convincing fool, but I do know that I'm not actively seeking any romance in my life with anyone right now. I was really just looking for a Valentines Date lol ^_^ Or a Valentine Friend :) Not a boyfriend or a part time lover. But now I have all these seemingly decent guys knocking down my door, and I don't know what to say to any of you. Cause I don't have anything to give you. I'm drained and busy and not interested in the exhaustive audition process that is dating, which is the basic way that you get to know if someone may match you well in a romantic context. Yes, I'm usually curious about meeting new people with the laidback awareness that it could (though most likely won't) later lead to a long term romance, or (more likely) a close friendship. But right now, I have a lot of creative projects, family matters, and a social club to deal with, so I don't have the emotional energy to give to the exhausting lies, annoying games, and insulting objectification, that is the dating and romance world (AKA the people world-- cause honestly, even "friends" stress me out.)

And I'm not even a hi-strung person at all. I have a Taurus Moon for pete's sake! My emotions can tolerate a lot lol ^_^ But its been my experience that whenever I rely on people, they let me down. Bad. But whenever I rely on ideas, God and myself, I succeed. See, the 1st phase of my life I spent trying to be understood and make best friends. The 2nd phase of my life I spent trying to save my generation and lead my fellow youth to the promised land. The 3rd phase of my life I spent trying to be liked and connect with new people, as the closer, familiar people in my life either moved away, got sick, or died. Then most of the new people I connected with either let me down, or vexed me. 

I have nothing to show for any of it.

Now the wise old soul in me calls that, "Valuable Lessons Learned". But the ambitious young mind in me calls that, "Valuable Time Lost". Time I can't recoup. A wasted investment. But when I create, share and market recorded independent self-contained projects that don't require social loyalty to move forward, I always have something to show for my time spent on this planet. I always have proof of my natural contributions to this universe, that God put me in, for some reason. 

So now, in this phase of my life-- I'm building my kingdom.

And it will be MAGNIFICENT.

A kingdom that will last and won't get knocked down or washed away by the ocean shore, in a split second, like all the other types of kingdoms do. This is why I've consciously decided to put most or all of my energy into building my kingdom of the creative soul, the moral intelligence, the life education, and the altruistic humanitarian help that I believe I was put on this earth to give.

I hate to sound jaded or mathematical about it, but relationships are untrustworthy, fickle, unpredictable and can fall apart like a house of cards, at a moment's notice, if you haven't thoroughly vetted your partner, yourself or your circumstances. And I'm not the master of vetting people, trust me. "People" are not my strength. "Ideas" are my strength. "People" are just my interest and need. But not my strength. Because People = Politics-- and I suck at politics lol ^_^ 

So in this phase of my life, I'm going to play to my strengths, which is IDEAS, and if I happen to fall in love along the way, fine. But until then, or until vetting is properly executed, the only lover I belong to is me, and no one is allowed inside my bed besides my future husband.

PERIOD.

That is all why I stopped dating. And I'm not convinced I should bother with it again, until I'm independently rich and famous lol :P Or secretly rich and unknown... ;)

Thank you. Come again.

Have a lovely day! :) ♥