#Friendship: Not Always A 2 Way Street... Goodbye My #Friend :(

Great Video! Amen! Girl You Better Preach! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tlf9BYOoro:



#DearJohn: #Friendship Is A #2WayStreet & I Aint Yo Mamma! Farewell... My Goodbye Letter To One of My Best Friends: :'(



My Friend, I'm sorry I hurt you. I did it because you hurt me. Two wrongs don't make a right but they do make up society. I have been the best sister to you in the world, with no real sibling rivalry, which is rare for most sisters, who actually fight on the regular.



But I hate that I can never have a REAL conversation with you. About ANYTHING. That MATTERS... EVER.



I hate that you NEVER take responsibility for your betrayals against me, whether its you trying to take a guy I like behind my back, or you telling all my secrets to people behind my back, or you never showing anywhere near as much support, encouragement, engagement or enthusiasm about anything I do the way I do for you. Instead of owning up to all that, you just always play the victim, so that you never have to address anyone else's feelings but your own.



I hate that our relationship dynamic is one in which I do all the giving (which I'm actually happy to do because TBH giving is the only normal way I really know how to personally bond with people, outside of intellectual conversation and leisure activities), but I give and give and give, thinking it will mean something to you, thinking it's an investment in our relationship, thinking that its helping to further glue us together, but then when you decide to give back in a purposeful way, you give it to somebody else--



(IE-- dedicating a whole blog to the "fake" names of the new ppl in your life, but not dedicating a whole blog to the "fake" names of the old ppl in your life, like, me, mom, your brother and "Simone"-- We all deserved your 1st Thank You blog, My Friend. Your 1st Official Dedication Blog should have gone to the list of people in your life who were there for you FIRST. I stand by that lament, even if no one else on earth agrees with me. That is my personal belief and it will not change. Period.)



I also hate the fact that you lied about me, saying that I never gave you the idea to be a blogger, when I'm reading the text right now that I sent you, where I was listing a bunch of ideas that you could do as work from home jobs, (because our whole relationship has been me trying to give you ideas to find yourself and find your true happiness and you know this because that's the only intellectual way we relate to each other, ever since the start of our friendship), and 1 of the ideas I listed was for you to write a blog. I said "You could write a blog about lingerie or Hello Kitty or whatever turns you on". Yes, it was YOUR idea to choose your health condition as your blog topic of choice, but it was MY idea for you to do a blog at all.



So either you lied or you just completely forgot it.



Either way, the reason it bothers me isn't even about the ego (or even righteous principle in truth) of getting proper credit for my contributions. You can take whatever credit you want. I honestly don't care. But what pisses me off and burns my heart like acid reflux is that it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. Like it just adds to all the weight on my heart, all the pressure on our friendship, all the unresolved issues boiling up inside me, being repressed down by you, and it's been eating away at our friendship for years now. It just made me feel like you really don't see me. And I don't mean you don't see my personality, face, and social presence. I mean something deeper. Something more meaningful.



Like you never see my feelings.



You never see my thoughts.



You never see my contributions.



You make me feel like you really don't want me in your life except to just revolve around you and your problems, your feelings, your needs, your concerns, and your life.



Like you're my baby and I'm you're mother.



That's how you treat me, My Friend.



In fact, looking back on it, that's how you've ALWAYS treated me. Like I'm your mother. Not your sister. Not your friend. Not your partner. Not your equal. You need me and call on me like I'm you're mother. You demonize me, throw a fit, stomp your feet and slam the door in my face like I'm you're mother. You love me and hate me like I'm your mother.



Not your sister or your friend.



So with this dynamic, you get to be as self-centered, blind and blameless as you want to be. But then you hold me to a much higher and very unfair double standard, where I'm not allowed to have feelings. I'm not allowed to make mistakes. Hell, I'm not even allowed to get mad at you for hurting ME or breaking MY heart, because only YOU are allowed to do that and have that. Only YOUR feelings matter. Only YOUR feelings count.



Only YOU have a heart that can be broken.



I'm not entitled to that same right.



Not with you.



No I'm not.



Because, our relationship dynamic is vertical.



So in our relationship, you play the child and I play the parent, and we've both been so comfortable playing those two roles for so long that neither one of us realized how unhealthy it is. Or at least how unfair, unequal and apparently unsustainable it is.



You just play the hi-strung, hyper sensitive, self-consumed little baby who's consumed only in and by her own feelings. And I play the wise, old, responsible, infallible mommy figure, who exists to you, solely to cater to your feelings and immediate needs, and coddle you whenever you start whining, crying, and screaming for help.



Then as soon as I complain about anything-- you ignore me and change the subject or you run away and hide.



Because only YOU are allowed to complain.



Not me.



Never me.



Then as soon as I shake the baby like I did the other day, shaking you awake, to make the baby see my frustration and realize that I'm not your mommy, then the baby kicks and screams and cries and spits on me, throwing a temper tantrum, and copping a fit, like I victimized the baby, vilifying me as if I was suddenly the wicked witch of Oz who broke the baby's heart.



NO.



I didn't break your HEART, My Friend.



What I abruptly broke was your DELUSION.



I broke your DELUSION that I'm your faultless, pacifying, parental mommy, and you're my needy, darling little newborn baby.



And if by chance I actually did break your heart then, at this point, based on our history, our pointless, dead end, private correspondence, and your totally irrational knee jerk reaction to every meaningful move I make, then if I really broke your heart, My Friend, that's because your emotional heart is twistedly wrapped up in your mental delusions, one of which is the delusion that you're my baby and I'm your mommy. So when you realized that and said to me that "You're not my sister!", what you were really saying to me is, "You're not my mommy!"



As if that's how you saw me all this time.



And now you don't.



Because now it's finally hitting you...



You suddenly feel the crashing, confusing pain of realization that NO-- I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY, My Friend. I never was. I never said I was. And I never will be. But though I'll always be your sister-- even if we'll never really be friends-- I am SO friggin sick of this vertical dynamic carved out between us where you force me into the mommy role, never growing out of it, and I just stupidly accept it, like an emotionally lazy pacifist, partly because I can most easily identify with that role, due to my uniquely close and positive relationship with my own mom, and partly because I've always been so childishly desperate to have a true blue best friend, even if it meant being my best friend's mother.



But here's the deal:



Grandma's dead and gone.



So Mom's lost and purposeless.



While God is pressuring me to move forward on some life changing projects and missions that can and likely will change the world.



Now my world is turning upside down in both good ways and bad.



And I just can't live like this any more.



I need a change.



Because life is already changing with or without me.



So I need my close relationships to change along with it.



Now I'm only desperate for REAL friendship connections now, with REAL reliable friends who have REAL conversations with me and spend REAL time with me and have REAL mutual respect for my feelings because they have REAL space in their world for somebody else's feelings besides just their own. That's a REAL horizontal relationship. NOT vertical. I get vertical from my mom. I'll give vertical to my future kids. But with everybody else-- I NEED HORIZONTAL NOW. At least more horizontal than I'm getting here with you. I can't do (or feign) emotionally restricted vertical relationships any more, My Friend. Not close up.



I just can't do it.



I'm drained, exhausted, stressed out, still depressed over grandma and other people and lost loved ones, as well as all the sadness and tragedies of society that I can't help feeling the burden of. I guess it's all the dutiful Capricorn in my chart. But my coping skills aren't that great. And I'm really depleted, My Friend. Seriously. I know I put up a really good front, but the truth is, I never really let anyone else in any more, because I just don't have any more to give. And I can't trust anybody, cause every time I do, all they ever do is take from me and betray my trust or my faith in them-- which demoralizes my hope and faith in humanity, and turns my heart into a VERY dangerous grenade.



So I'm really on an interpersonal hiatus with pretty much everyone except for you and Pauline. And Mom of course.



Because my fuel tank is EMPTY.



All I have left is enough to pump out my music, books, movies, activism, charity campaigns, etc. Whatever. That's it. That's where all my social energy goes now. To my projects. So I got a million people who hate me simply because I haven't emailed or called them back yet and they all take it personal when in fact, I'm just ghosting it with the world.



For my own sanity's sake.



So I can't keep babysitting a fake friendship that's really just a phony storefront for a f*d up mother/daughter dynamic that I don't have enough life force left inside me to maintain. I can do horizontal. I can even do open vertical, where my emotions are allowed to come in to the picture and exist. But constantly playing the motherly statue with you is breaking my back, My Friend, and that's why I snapped when I saw your post about all those other people in your life. It triggered all this crap in my mind and my heart and I just f*ing purged.



I PURGED My Friend.



Thats what I did.



It wasn't pretty.



It wasn't nice.



Hell, it was f*d up.



But it was very VERY honest.



And sadly-- inevitable.



In fact, I regret to inform you that I realize now that the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship is just simply not sustainable. I no longer have the resources and you never had the loyalty. I no longer have the energy and you never had the love. I no longer have the tools and you never had the glue. We're both going nuts here but I can't keep enabling you and I'm not equipped to handle this much psychological complexity and emotional restraint on a close and continued basis.



I.



Just.



Can't.



I just sincerely need a real friend, and not a full-of-crap friend, but an actual emotionally deep and physically available friend, who thinks and acts like my horizontal EQUAL, not a screaming, hi-strung, temperamental baby-daughter, who only cares about her own feelings and her own needs, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how many years go by, no matter how rebellious I act in both public and private defiance of it. And that's what my meltdown post was about. It was a rebellious act of defiance.



Like Papa Roach-- This is My Last Resort.



Well...



That was my last resort.



Because I can't stay in a "close" relationship that always constantly revolves around ONLY your feelings, your needs, your problems, your crisis, your victimhood, your whims, and you never have any room for mine. EVER. And we can't even have real conversations about anything that friggin matters. Because you just ignore me and change the subject to something superficial and shallow. That's enough to make anyone SNAP.



Then you expect me to just baby you as you crawl in and out of trouble on your many varied Rugrats adventures through life, with other people, certainly not with me, making me the one who just sits there, holding the nursing bag, like a nanny on the bench, like I'm your glittery glamorous magical fairy godmother, who just exists purely for your maintenance and magical wishing spells, which keeps me constantly mentally drained and emotionally restrained.



Walking on egg shells as I feed you my breast milk and magic potions of hope for life.



That's what our relationship feels like to me.



Then you squirm out of my arms to go play on the playground, bitching at me if I try to come join you, so I sigh and just sit back.



Until you finally come back for more milk. Or magic potions.



That's our relationship.



I tried to bond with you with your blog, making a page for you, to show you my support and connect with you on an equal activity partner level, because I was sick of just being your mommy, but you quickly rebuffed that, like a little girl building her first dollhouse or a little boy building his first bottle rocket.



It was your toy that you wanted to play with by yourself, and you didn't want mommy to come in and be a buzzkill by simply being there, because you don't see me as your equal playmate, My Friend.



You see me as your magical guardian from another world. Thats how you treat me. I just wanted to help you build your rocket or dollhouse, to prove to both of us that I'm your PARTNER not your MOTHER, but I will never be your "partner" in your mind. Never. And I'm not allowed to be upset about it or confront you about it in private or in public, either.



Am I?



That's why I vomited up all my feelings on fb the other day.



To get your attention.



To wake you up.



To shock your system and give you a rude awakening that:



I AM NOT YOUR FRICKING MOTHER!!!!!



I'm your EQUAL, damnit!



And I have the same dang needs and feelings as you do.



And I need to talk real talk with real friends who let me feel real things, not just this empty, meaningless gaga googoo baby talk bull sh!t we have between us. Yes, my weekend thought vomit came off all wrong. I admit that. It was impulsive, tactless, reckless, thoughtless and insensitive. It was a bitchy way to throw my own whiny temper tantrum and cop my own hissy fit, for you to deal with for once. But my intentions were pure and sincere and I was speaking from the heart.



What I posted wasn't even bad, imo, if you actually bothered to read it.



It was just an honest documentation of our history, including mom, your brother and "Simone's" contributions to your life, and my feelings about it all, in light of your last blog entry. And even if you read it and still took it wrong, lets put things in perspective here, My Friend. It's not like I performed my smash hit pop song "My Friend Sucks!" at the SuperBowl and then blasted you on the mic before releasing a graphic sex tape of you going down on Jonah Hill just because he called you pretty-- for f*s sake--



But that's how you act.



Completely irrational.



When I bet you can't even find 5 people who even bothered to read the friggin thing.



David certainly didn't. I can tell by his words. He was just hyped up by you. And you were probably hyped up by somebody else...



But either way, if you would throw away a decades long friendship just like that, over a mild and fleeting facebook post, just so you don't have to deal with the heavy substance that was in it, then I guess we never really had a friendship to begin with. Because true friendships don't die that easily. If you only knew what Pauline did to me and I totally forgave her for it. Because I learned, through her, that THAT is what best friends and family DO. So I forgave you too. I forgive a lot. It would be nice to get that same favor in return sometime. But whatever.



I'm sorry to see how fragile and weak our bond is.



Sorry I had to find out by testing it in a harsh way.



Sorry you feel so bad.



Sorry I feel so bad.



Sorry we hurt each other.



But you need time apart from my existence to find your own footing in a way that builds you up into an individual who can have meaningful, sincere, substantive horizontal friendships with others-- and I need a break from just being "The Babysitter", as being your bff has never really felt that fun-- because always being put in the parent's seat never is. So maybe this time apart is what we both need in order to test the waters to see if we'll ever be a healthy fit for each other one day. Perhaps its for the best. God's way of fixing us by separating us until we are ready to try again.



I don't know.



Maybe we've just outgrown each other.



Or you want to keep things the same, and I want to make something change, so we just keep clashing, because we're going in opposite directions.



Who knows.



Just take care of yourself, My Friend.



And remember--



YOUR heart isn't the only heart that's broken.





Good Luck.





With Love--

Christi Luv